1. First of all, before iPhones, all we had were THESE nightmares.
2. That’s right, we had to share a phone that looked like this with our siblings!
3. The only activity we could do while pooping was read the back of the shampoo bottle.
Candy Crush was but a gleam in someone’s eye.
4. Some of our phones had this flimsy micropenis antenna you had to manually extend before you made a call.
5. And there wasn’t any of this unlimited calling crap. We had to wait to use our “nights and weekends” minutes.
If you forgot and called your mom at 8:58 PM, you were basically screwed.
6. You also couldn’t just ring up your bae on the other coast. We had LONG DISTANCE minutes.
Before cell phones, area codes were only something that mattered when you were calling distant relatives.
7. And if you wanted to call your crush, you had to dial their home phone number and possibly have to speak to their parents.
8. And the phrase “hanging up the phone” actually made sense.
You couldn’t just push a button to disconnect someone annoying. But you got to be really dramatic about slamming the phone down, which was fun.
9. But it wasn’t all bad. For instance, you could go right up to the gate to meet your family members who were arriving at the airport.
Yes, you could go ~through security~ even if you didn’t have a ticket.
10. It made dramatic romantic moments possible!
11. Plus, you could pack big bottles of shampoo in your carry-on. Really!
12. Of course, you had to buy airplane tickets over the phone.
Or… go to this thing called a travel agency. I know!
13. Online life was different too. You had to make sure no one was using the phone before you “connected to the World Wide Web.”
And listen to a horrible screeching sound that resembled a dying hyena on helium.
14. And then if you wanted to look at a photo on the internet, it loaded like this:
Thanks to your lightning fast 56k connection.
15. You got an email account, but you checked it once every couple of days.
Because going online was an event, not a permanent state of being like it is today.
16. If you wanted to go see a movie, you had to look up times in the NEWSPAPER.
The “newspaper” was several leaves of paper that included articles about news, sports, entertainment and business, along with comics, classified ads and op-ed columns. It was delivered to the doorsteps of paying customers every morning.
17. And instead of Google, we looked up stuff up in real books and encyclopedias.
18. We weren’t like the weak youth of today, needing to GPS ourselves constantly. No, we printed out directions on motherf**ing Mapquest.
OK, fine, Mapquest was terrible. GPS forever.
19. When you took a picture, you had no way of knowing if it turned out well or not.
“You only get ONE SHOT.” — Eminem on taking a selfie in the ’90s
20. And because we had to buy stuff called “film,” each roll gave you only 24 frames. The worst thing in the world was wasting frames.
21. And you always wanted to keep extra film on you in case you RAN OUT (a nightmare).
22. Every Friday night was spent endlessly browsing in here.
23. And then on Monday, your mom would make you get out of the car to drop it in this.
24. There was no ordering stuff online. You had to fill out one of these by hand and mail it in.
And we’re not talking about Amazon Prime order speeds. The whole process took at least a month.
25. And going off the grid was easy — all you had to do was leave the house.
Ahhh, the good old days.