Every Description Jezebel Used to Describe Donald Trump During the Presidential Election

A hideous rubber mask holds up a Halloween costume. Photo via AP

My doves. My lambs. My exhausted little baby angels, bruised as though we’d all fallen down a ladder stretching from Heaven into the lowest fetid depths of Hell itself. What a terrible, terrible journey we’ve taken together, from the moment in June 2015 when Donald Trump, a ballot box stuffed with rotted meat, sailed down an escalator, into the presidential election, and lodged in my most ochre nightmares.

The only thing that even slightly numbed the pain of this horrific odyssey for the staff of was making up descriptions of Donald Trump, ones that adequately suited his nightmare face, hideous personality, and repugnant beliefs. And now, we are tired. We are disillusioned. We have a persistent cluster headache and a scaly rash that won’t go away. But here, for your final perusing pleasure, is damn near every word we used to describe Trump during the million years he was running for office.

As you’ll see, 2015 is broken down by year, while 2016 becomes increasingly frantic and disorganized. That’s because it is – let’s be extremely real- a ragged list that I pulled together over the last few days, pausing occasionally to drink gin and cry at my desk.

It’s fine. Somehow, we’re going to be fine. Unless we elect this Taki-colored shaved baboon and then we are not fine at all.



* A really relaxed guy



* An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back

* Orange asshat

* Four-time bankruptcy filer and seething hernia mass


* Bone-in ham

* Sun-dried tomato

* A shithead

* Adult blobfish

* Deflated football

* Fart-infused lump of raw meat


* Melting pig carcass

* Disgraced racist

* Talking comb-over

* Human equivalent of cargo pants that zip away into shorts

* Cheeto-dusted bloviator

* Fuzzy meat wad


* Bag of flour

* Human turd

* Not in any way sexist, you bimbos

* A man who cherishes women

* Future leader of the free world

* Decomposing ear of corn

* His own best parody

* A rich idiot … willing to allow garbage to fall out of his mouth without batting a single golden lash


* Noted troll

* The class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn

* Melting businessman

* The person still inexplicably leading the Republican presidential primary

* Wax museum figure on a very hot day

* Soggy burlap sack

* Bag of toxic sludge

* Your next president and ruler for life

* A brightly burning trash fire

* Impoverished urchin

* Aggressively stupid


* Great judgment-haver

* Man-sized sebaceous cyst

* Enlarged pee-splattered Sno Cone

* Empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun

* Man-shaped asbestos insulation board

* Hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites

* Inside-out lower intestine

* Dusty barrel of fermented peepee

* Usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps

* Degloved zoo penis

* Presidential candidate and bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies

* Hairpiece come to life

* Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world

* Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels

* A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots

* Lead paint factory explosion

* Candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses


* Enraged Gak spill

* The shriveled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket

* Human-sized infectious microbe

* Poorly-trained circus orangutan

* Chester Cheetah impersonator

* Lumbering human-like tardigrade

* A tiny piece of dried cat poop that you found in your rug


This is where things veered out of control. I can’t list these by month because it will physically kill me. Here, instead, is a numbered list.


  1. Seagull dipped in tikka masala
  2. t

  3. Bursting landfill of municipal solid waste
  4. t

  5. Mountain of rotting whale blubber
  6. t

  7. Sputum-filled Orange Julius
  8. t

  9. Gangrenous gaping wound
  10. t

  11. Racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar
  12. t

  13. Oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard
  14. t

  15. Neo-fascist real estate golem
  16. t

  17. Abandoned roadside ham hock
  18. t

  19. Bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy
  20. t

  21. Monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam
  22. t

  23. A walking pile of reanimated roadkill
  24. t

  25. Heaving carcass
  26. t

  27. Stately hot dog casing
  28. t

  29. Flatulent leather couch
  30. t

  31. Swollen earthworm gizzard
  32. t

  33. Narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho
  34. t

  35. Yellowing hunk of masticated gristle
  36. t

  37. A human/Komodo dragon hybrid
  38. t

  39. Blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran
  40. t

  41. “Taco truck”
  42. t

  43. A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House
  44. t

  45. A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball
  46. t

  47. Horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler
  48. t

  49. Malignant corn chip
  50. t

  51. Human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit
  52. t

  53. The sculpture your three-year-old made out of soggy ground-up goldfish snacks
  54. t

  55. A man with the hair of a radioactive skunk
  56. t

  57. Roiling Cheez Whiz mass
  58. t

  59. Cryogenically frozen bog man
  60. t

  61. A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things
  62. t

  63. Screaming giant cheese wedge
  64. t

  65. Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef
  66. t

  67. Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch
  68. t

  69. Temperamental gelatinous sponge
  70. t

  71. Sentient hate-balloon
  72. t

  73. A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria
  74. t

  75. Sun-kissed ass plug
  76. t

  77. Self-tanning enthusiast
  78. t

  79. An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size
  80. t

  81. Parental pile of burnt organic material
  82. t

  83. Human-shaped wad of Gak
  84. t

  85. Walking irradiated tumor
  86. t

  87. Uncooked chicken breast
  88. t

  89. KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank
  90. t

  91. Neon-tinted hellion
  92. t

  93. A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate
  94. t

  95. Malfunctioning wind turbine
  96. t

  97. Seeping fleabag
  98. t

  99. Sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese
  100. t

  101. A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment
  102. t

  103. Figurative rubber, and also literal rubber
  104. t

  105. A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine
  106. t

  107. Sentient waste disposal plant
  108. t

  109. A disappointment
  110. t

  111. Poorly-drawn fascist
  112. t

  113. Racist teratoma
  114. t

  115. Lamprey eel spray-painted gold
  116. t

  117. A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place
  118. t

  119. Sunken, corroding soufflé
  120. t

  121. Nacho cheese golem
  122. t

  123. Undead tangerine
  124. t

  125. A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad
  126. t

  127. Fossilized meatball
  128. t

  129. Horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan
  130. t

  131. Tattered Craigslist sofa
  132. t

  133. A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head
  134. t

  135. Play-Doh factory explosion
  136. t

  137. A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs
  138. t

  139. Unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar
  140. t

  141. Melting orange popsicle
  142. t

  143. A dangerous and stupid bigot who I do not have the heart to give a silly nickname to right now
  144. t

  145. A desiccated, hollowed-out pumpkin stuffed with wasps
  146. t

  147. A rusted refrigerator left out in the sun until its contents rot and swell into one noxious, congealed mass
  148. t

  149. A regurgitated wombat
  150. t

  151. Moldy pumpkin spice latte
  152. t

  153. A tax-avoidant opossum testicle dead-set on becoming president
  154. t

  155. Shrieking carbuncle in a red power tie
  156. t

  157. A Chipotle burrito taken to its natural, digested conclusion
  158. t

  159. Evil toddler and our Republican presidential nominee
  160. t

  161. A clump of moldering drain hair
  162. t

  163. An inflated pig stomach full of rotten pierogi
  164. t

  165. Flatulent butternut squash
  166. t

  167. One putrescent orange marshmallow
  168. t

  169. A sentient pile of dirty sheets covered in poop
  170. t

  171. Pilonidal cyst
  172. t

  173. Sexist sentient carrot
  174. t

  175. An abandoned cruise ship full of people afflicted with the Noro virus
  176. t

  177. A jack-o’-lantern that at least ten people have been using as a toilet
  178. t

  179. Bruised yam
  180. t

  181. Flaming sack of shit
  182. t

  183. Overflowing litter box
  184. t

  185. A repugnant pile of fetid horse shit
  186. t

  187. Shaved bear
  188. t

  189. Demonic, racist goldfish
  190. t

  191. Everyone’s least favorite Republican presidential candidate/rotting jack-o’-lantern
  192. t

  193. The embodiment of a long and thunderous fart in a stalled elevator
  194. t

  195. Rancid Halloween Oreo filling
  196. t

  197. Rage-addled Oompa Loompa
  198. t

  199. Rotten tanner-saturated gourd
  200. t

  201. Man-sized ass cyst
  202. t

  203. Your shitty racist uncle
  204. t

  205. A wizened ogre of a man with a mouth like an anus
  206. t

  207. Bewigged swollen gall bladder
  208. t

  209. A wheezing Blurrg from Endor’s forest moon
  210. t

  211. Trumpelstiltskin (whose gift is turning billions of dollars into air molecules)
  212. t

  213. Inflamed carbuncle
  214. t

  215. A face like a rusted manhole cover, hair that legally qualifies as a fire hazard, and the diet of Templeton the rat
  216. t

  217. A soggy cracker spread with spoiled shrimp compote
  218. t

  219. Amphibious
  220. t

  221. Noted chode
  222. t

  223. An industrial-sized wastebasket in a clip-on tie
  224. t

  225. Impacted molar
  226. t

  227. A bag of hot garbage moldering in the summer sun
  228. t

  229. A dry creek bed mysteriously studded with dog turds
  230. t

  231. A haunted bidet
  232. t

  233. A yellowing mop dripping with an unidentifiable, viscous fluid
  234. t

  235. Anthropomorphic lie
  236. t

  237. A rooster who wandered into the house and has to be restrained beneath a metal wastebasket
  238. t

  239. The political equivalent of one of those mutant factory farm chickens with breasts so big it can’t walk
  240. t

  241. Spray-tanned blobfish
  242. t

  243. The human equivalent to a hideously oppressive smell with no known provenance
  244. t

  245. A parking cone with emotional issues
  246. t

  247. Moldy prawn burrito
  248. t

  249. Gelatinous heap
  250. t

  251. A horrible man with hair like used dental floss and ideas that threaten the definition of democracy as we know it
  252. t

  253. A hexed tub of Velveeta that’s been brought to life and won’t stop screaming racist insults from inside your kitchen cabinet
  254. t

  255. A scabies outbreak in your freshman dormitory
  256. t

  257. Fetid pooh-face
  258. t

  259. Floppy sack of rancid chicken fat
  260. t

  261. Self tanner-soaked Whoopee cushion
  262. t

  263. A cicada husk dipped in fermenting carrot soup
  264. t

  265. Fire ant infestation with too many resources
  266. t

  267. A cirrhotic cheetah liver dusted in gold leaf
  268. t

  269. Walking staph infection
  270. t

  271. Large orange baby
  272. t

  273. A sociopathic golem whose mouth puckers like an anus
  274. t

  275. Serial woman-cherisher
  276. t

  277. Besuited Chucky doll
  278. t

  279. Objectively horrible person
  280. t

  281. Toxic algae bloom
  282. t

  283. Noted orangémon
  284. t

  285. A man whose head firmly resembles a lone radioactive testicle sealed in a jar of formaldehyde
  286. t

  287. The contents of a dumpster behind a Roll N Roaster
  288. t

  289. Doritos Spicy Asbestos Flavor
  290. t

  291. A snot-flavored Jelly Bean gaining a frightening amount of power and influence
  292. t

  293. Malformed traffic cone
  294. t

  295. Decaying, hollowed-out tree trunk that is now housing a family of malnourished, furious possums
  296. t

  297. An enlarged brick of spittle-flecked Crisco sliding headlong towards the White House
  298. t

  299. Our favorite fascist wad of upchucked puréed carrots
  300. t

  301. Gold-tipped mucus plug
  302. t

  303. Melted Claymation villain
  304. t

  305. Unwashed fumigation tent
  306. t

  307. What happens when a GOP-leaning member of mutant gang in The Hills Have Eyes has a wet dream
  308. t

  309. An eggroll to which someone has wastefully glued a hairpiece
  310. t

  311. One of those piles of sand by a highway
  312. t

  313. A golden goose so loved by God he was transformed into a human man, only the Lord got tired midway through and paused for rest, never to resume
  314. t

  315. Moldering Cheez-It
  316. t

  317. A hunk of beef jerky that rolls under the couch and is left there to harden, becoming covered in dust and cat hair until a cockroach takes it back to its lair and makes it his wife
  318. t

  319. Actually three bigoted baby Muppets stacked on top of one another
  320. t

  321. Half-melted pile of candy corn from Halloween ’83
  322. t

  323. An angry ghost
  324. t

  325. Giant mound of hardened Cheez Whiz
  326. t

  327. A smushed up caterpillar your 6-year-old brother set on fire with a magnifying glass
  328. t

  329. Rotten kabocha squash

This is our proudest and most monstrous achievement, and we thank you for being a part of it.

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