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I Had A Vasectomy (It Didn’t Take): 5 Ugly Realities


Prior to getting a vasectomy, all you’ll hear about is how painless it is. You’re supposed to stroll into a doctor’s office and half an hour later you’re shooting more blanks than a Civil War reenactment. Sounds great, right?

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Though if puffs of smoke start coming out of your penis, you should probably go back to your doctor.

Fact is, they leave out a lot of details. Painful details. No matter how comfortable you think you are with having a scalpel in your scrotum, you’re wrong. I was wrong. I couldn’t stop shaking, even after popping a few pills to calm me down, and jiggling junk can be a problem for a doctor who has to be very precise with his snipping.

I also was not made aware of the shots I’d need, or how much pain would be involved ahead of time. You need three shots into your genitals so that they’ll be pain-free for the duration of the procedure. I’m trying to think of a good analogy for the pain of getting a shot in the sack, but my most severe pain analogy is “like a needle in the ball sack,” and that’s less than helpful in this case.

I ended up needing to be put under for an actual surgery (which insurance conveniently doesn’t cover). Many people can get a vasectomy no problem, but if your pain threshold is lower, you get the surgery. Up to 20 percent of men experience chronic genital pain for several months, even years after the vasectomy. Sack up buddy, we’re only just getting started.

Colin Walton/Dorling Kindersley RF/Getty Images

Because you just had ol’ Harry Balzac sliced open, you’re going to need a special jockstrap. When you take it off and look inside, it’s fully of bloody gauze and ice, like the aftermath of a subpar blowjob from a White Walker. You’re not allowed to take the strap off except to add ice for about two days.

“You ingrate. Every Thanksgiving I have to listen to my jockstrap father go on about Scoty6776/Wiki Commons

how my brothers are big stars in the NFL.”

That wouldn’t be so bad if your balls didn’t ooze for days. Your ball sweat forces blood and pus out of your pores. The day after the procedure I started pissing blood. Frantically calling the doctor, you know, because I’m pissing blood, I was informed that this is 100 percent normal. What’s not normal: Failing to inform me about it ahead of time. What was even worse was seeing blood in my ejaculate. Yup, for a few weeks following the procedure my jizz looked like IHOP’s strawberry pancake syrup. Again, I immediately picked up the phone and was informed by an increasingly aggravated clinic operator that bloody semen is once again totally goddamned normal.

Keith Brofsky/Photodisc/Getty Images
“Yes sir; nonstop terror screaming for the rest of your life is also typical.”

A little heads-up (pun intended, jerkwads) would have been appreciated.

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